Pretty much says it all.
Jump if you’d like to re-live the Steelers’ second Superbowl loss in franchise history.
PREGAME
Anthony Madison leads the team onto the field after a stirring speech by Sam Elliot. Atari Bigby charges out ahead of the Packers.
There is zero animosity felt for the Green Bay Packers at this stage. Both teams have been pumped up as great storied franchises and the most respectable of opponents for each other.
George Bush is apparently in attendance while some girl from Glee sings America the Beautiful. And then, Christina Aguilera looks like she is having a baby in the middle of singing the national anthem. How long until we legally declare a rhythm and melody for The Star-Spangled Banner? It has one, and you should be required by law to stick to it if you sing it.
There’s a flyby over a closed dome. James Farrior calls tails and Deoin Sanders flips the coin. The Packers defer and the Steelers take the opening kickoff to the 36.
FIRST QUARTER
They go three-and-out. Tramon Williams muffs the punt when Sam Shields jumps in front of his face. Packers recover. Nerves, much?
Anthony Madison gets beat by Donald Driver on third down to keep their drive moving, but on their next 3rd, Rodgers’ pass falls through Jordy Nelson’s hands.
Mendenhall starts the next drive with a 15 yard run. Then a 9 yard run. Then David Johnson commits an awkward false start, and the drive ultimately ends in a punt.
Green Bay puts together a few first downs and calls a timeout. Rodgers eludes inside pressure from Woodley and find Brandon Jackson as a safety valve. Rodgers goes for it all on 3rd & 1. William Gay has decent coverage on Jordy Nelson but he doesn’t see the ball coming. Touchdown. 7-0. Tough to blame Gay since he had good enough position, but he could have made a play and didn’t.
The Green Bay defense gets pressure up the middle and someone gets an arm on Ben at he throws a pass. It’s a duck.
Nick Collins is the dog.
Returned for a touchdown. 14-0. Yikes.
Jon Scott gets into a shouting match with someone. Flozell Adams and Bryant McFadden leave with injuries. Enter Trai Essex and William Gay. Then Ben gets up gimpy and promptly runs for a first down.
We’ll assume that gimpiness was a ploy to get the defense not to worry about him taking off and running. What a brilliant player.
JUNK
Nobody is going to watch the unrated web content.
SECOND QUARTER
Manny Sanders converts a 3rd & 12 on one knee. Ben rolls out on the next play and pump fakes to his safety valve en route to a 2 yard rush. What.
Sanders comes out of the game limping. You gotta feel for the kid right there. Injured in the Superbowl as a rookie? Man. Shaun Suisham breaks the shutout. 14-3.
Green bay goes three and out. Heath Miller gets a ten yard penalty for blocking the mighty Clay Matthews. Mike Wallace and Mewelde Moore end up getting a first down anyway. Randle El gets the next one with a nice diving grab. Ben throws a terrible pass into double coverage. Jarrett Bush is all over it. Picked off.
This sucks.
Steelers get outplayed and Greg Jennings scores a touchdown. 21-3. Ben Roethlisberger is not himself so far.
Randle El is back in his old form though, and breaks a tackle for a big completion. Sam Shields heads to the locker room, and Charles Woodson bangs up his shoulder on the next play. DBs dropping like flies. Two plays later he is STILL going down the tunnels of the Cowboys’ massive stadium, not to return.
Hines Ward walks through the depleted secondary for three straight catches. The last of them in the end zone. 21-10.
Aaaaand Nick Collins heads to the dressing room. CONTINUE THE MARCH OF PAIN.
Suisham boots the kickoff all the way to Houston.
HALFTIME
This halftime show shits on everything you have ever enjoyed about music. The Black Eyed peas come out dressed like Tron if Tron were gayer. Fergie fights her hardest to outdo Ke$ha as the most grating, offensive female personality in media today. Someone who may or may not be Slash lets the untalent harpy-voiced hack ruin Sweet Child O’ Mine.
No, not that one.
Usher makes an appearance, but is immediately banished by will.i.am when he realizes someone with any talent might upstage his vaguely synthesized speech.
With everyone safely lobotomized by the death of our musical culture as we know it, FOX mercifully airs commercials. Half of the population has already killed themselves, though.
At least the entire NFL promotional department needs to be fired and exiled to Mars.
THIRD QUARTER
William Gay may or may not defend a pass, but it gets dropped either way. The Packers have to punt. Antonio Brown somehow draws a facemask penalty.
Rashard Mendenhall de-cleats a camera man and takes a few plays off. Isaac Redman takes over and demolishes the Green Bay defense. Mendenhall returns to finish the drive off. Tough running everywhere. 21-17.
And it’s a game again.
Jordy Nelson goes over the middle and hears footsteps. Dropped. James Harrison finally gets to Aaron Rodgers and the Packers punt. It touches Anthony Madison, but Downtown Antonio Brown gets the ball on a bounce anyway. Quick hands.
The Steelers spread the ball around and get a drive going, but Zombocom spins off Flozell Adams and sacks Ben on third down. Suisham kicks another ball into Houston, but unfortunately this one was supposed to go through the uprights.
The Packers complete a pass and punt. Mike Wallace was open on third down but Ben overthrows him. The Steelers punt and Tramon Williams swings his around and punches Anthony Madison square in the face. What a stupid play. Extra 15 on an already good punt.
Some white dude kind of catches a ball and it might get stripped or might be incomplete…
Walt Anderson doesn’t screw things up. The Packers punt.
The Steelers start with the ball in Green Bay territory.
FOURTH QUARTER
Mendenhall fumbles. David Johnson has no idea the ball’s out and Desmond Bishop picks it up. Packers take over. Everyone in Wisconsin breaks their remotes when the Packers’ receivers drop anything thrown near them.
William Gay and Bryant McFadden both blitz Rodgers at once. Unsurprisingly, the pass coverage is weak to their side and Jordy Nelson takes a ball into the red zone. Greg Jennings catches a touchdown pass. 28-17. Ouch.
Still with 11 minutes left, Ben goes to work. Mike Wallace gets a couple first downs. Then Ben hits him on a post route. 28- Wait.
They go for two after the play. Ben fakes a draw to Mendenhall and bootlegs it. He flips it to Randle El on an option-reverse of sorts. Too much misdirection for Green Bay and it’s 28-25. 3 point game.
Ziggy Hood busts into the backfield and gets to Rodgers. He hits Greg Jennings two plays later for a big play anyway. Mike Tomlin looks nervous for the first time in his career. Packers are in the red zone. The defense finally holds when Anthony Madison has just enough coverage on Nelson to force Rodgers to throw it just a little too high. Field goal. 31-25.
A touchdown and an extra point wins it. Keyaron Fox promptly takes a dumb personal foul penalty on the kickoff.
Won’t miss you next year.
Heath gets the drive going. Ward makes a catch, and Ben throws a ball away in the face of pressure. Ben overthrows Wallace. 4th & 5. One shot to keep it going.
And it hits the turf.
That’s all, folks.
Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers. They played an excellent football game and they deserve to be recognized as NFL Champions again.
And now we head into the offseason.
