Recap: Stayin’ Alive, Steelers Beat Eagles in a Sloppy Terrible Game

2-2 is manageable. Yeah, the Steelers have a tough schedule, but they do every year. In the AFC North, a 1-3 start may have doomed the Steelers, but after a sloppy Sunday afternoon that culminated with a last-second field goal, the Steelers’ season is back on track, even with the lingering feeling of doom none of us can shake off.

FIRST QUARTER

I THOUGHT THE GOOD REFS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BACK NOW.

The Eagles open the game with Michael Vick and the Eagles picking apart the Steeler defense. Lawrence Timmons misses an easy sack. Eventually Vick lines up enough miscues to end the drive in a punt. The first offensive snap of the game sails over Ben’s head. Max Starks recovers. Nothing happens and the Steelers punt it right back. Vick runs out of the pocket and dives forward towards the first down. The football pops out as he’s rolling forward. Lawrence Timmons pounces on it, but a review confirms that Larry Foote tapped Vick’s leg and he was down by contact. Timmons finally makes a play in 2012 when he tackled Shady McCoy for a loss. Taylor interferes with Jeremy Maclin. Vick runs it on a QB draw and fumbles into the end zone. Larry Foote pounces on it for a touchback. No review necessary. Heath Miller has a big catch-and-run for a first down. Rashard Mendenhall gets his first action of the season with a couple of tough runs into traffic. Some Eagle takes some penalty for shoving Ramon Foster. Mendenhall finds a huge hole and somehow gets caught from behind by apparently the fastest DE ever. It gets called back when both Wallace and Miller miscommunicate for an illegal formation. Antonio Brown false starts. Colon holds someone. The Steelers’ offense is not in sync. Punt. Larry Foote recovers another fumble by Vick. Polamalu limps off the field.

Just doing what he does.

SECOND QUARTER Ben fumbles a snap on 4th down, picks it up, and slings it out the back of the end zone. Eagles take over. Lawrence Timmons drops McCoy behind the line again. Tony Corrente takes half an hour to figure out a penalty call that didn’t happen. The Eagles punt. Mike Wallace and Antonio Brown finally find their hands and pick up a couple first downs. Ben fakes a handoff and takes it himself the other way. That wasn’t in Arians’ playbook. Corrente and his staff miss a couple penalties against the Steelers (surprise) but Isaac Redman spins through a crowd to pick up a 3rd & short. Mendenhall fakes a block on a pass-rusher, then slips into the flat and catches an outlet pass. He makes a man miss, then turns it upfield and gets into the end zone. 7-0. Maclin interferes with Taylor deep downfield. Funny how he’s not jumping up screaming for a penalty when he does it. The Eagles punt anyway. Nnamdi Asomugha holds Antonio Brown and this time it gets called. Heath Miller catches a ball and takes a good thump. Inside of two minutes, the Steelers try to get things going, but flags continue to rain from the heavens. Ben and Sanders team up to beat out a blitz. Todd Haley’s passes to running backs are sneaky. The umpire takes an hour and a half to set the ball when the Steelers are trying to spike it to stop the clock. Jerricho Cotchery gets tripped up and falls short of the goal line. DeMeco Ryans takes his sweet time getting off him for the ball to be set. The Steelers have to spend their final timeout. DRC holds Mike Wallace and drops an interception. Corrente and his staff conveniently miss the call again. Suisham boots a field goal. 10-0. HALFTIME

Seriously, f**k Tony Corrente

THIRD QUARTER The Steelers get the ball to start the second half. Mendenhall gets a huge hole off left tackle and fumbles the ball out of bounds. It’s rainy, whatever. The receivers whiff on a couple of catchable balls. Punt. Ryan Clark hits a guy late and gets flagged. Can’t headbutt guys. Vick fumbles again, but one of his linemen recovers. Ryan Mundy leads with his shoulder on a big hit. Some ref calls the personal foul they missed on him two weeks ago. Shady McCoy turns Larry Foote around and blows into the end zone. The Steelers can’t answer on the next drive and Drew Butler punts again. The Eagles punt it right back. The least exciting quarter in football history picks up the pace when the Steelers string together a couple first downs. FOURTH QUARTER Ben overthrows Heath near the goal line. Suisham kicks another field goal. 13-7. DeSean Jackson is a punk and is also short of a first down. LeSean McCoy breaks through some initial tacklers and converts 4th down. A few plays later, Shady does it again. The Eagles continue to drive right down the field and score. Brent Celek with the catch. 14-13. Ben starts orchestrating a potential game-winning drive with a big third down completion to Brown. Mendenhall gets another first down on a well-executed screen pass. The Steelers work into field goal range and let Rashard Mendenhall and Isaac Redman drain the clock. Tomlin calls timeout with 3 seconds on the clock. Suisham steps onto the field.

That is the face of a dependable human being.

Steelers win, 16-14.

  • What a terrible game. Lots of dropped passes, misreads, penalties…
  • Michael Vick’s pregame meal is apparently buttery popcorn and greasy bacon. Turnover machine.
  • Troy Polamalu is Bob Sanders.
  • Shaun Suisham is rewarding the Steelers for their faith in him this summer.
  • Titans game in like ten seconds.
Brian Schaich

About Brian Schaich

Brian studied computer engineering long enough to know he just wanted to talk about sports all day for a living, so that's what he does.

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